The Wisdom of George Carlin

In Honor of His Passing

  • Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

  • The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?

  • If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

  • If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?

  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

  • Is there another word for synonym?

  • Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

  • What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

  • Would a fly without wings be called a walk?